This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but with Fergie.

Rummy, We Hardly Knew Ye

Donald Rumsfeld is the finest Secretary of Defense ever. This according to President Bush, on Rumsfeld’s last day in office. Additionally, the president informed us that Rumsfeld had been under consideration for Time Magazine’s Man of the Year honors a few years back, but declined the honor, insisting that it go to the troops instead. My God, what a great man we’ve lost.
The following amazing facts are set to be revealed in the next edition of the exhaustively researched, perpetually contrarian and somehow confederate-leaning Politically Incorrect Guide series, “The Politically Incorrect Guide to Donald Rumsfeld”:

• The movie “Rookie of the Year” is actually about a young Donald Rumsfeld who pitched a no-hitter for the Chicago Cubs at the age of 11.
• Donald Rumsfeld wrote the song “Something.” About himself.
• Donald Rumsfeld can beat Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson’s Punch-out.
• Oprah refuses to air her interview with Donald Rumsfeld, where Rummy makes her cry.
• Donald Rumsfeld gave half his liver to a small child dying of leukemia. She ate it and her cancer went into remission. He then grew his liver back by sheer force of will.
• Is Donald Rumsfeld the greatest Secretary of Defense ever? Yes. Is he the greatest person ever to serve the Armed Forces? Of course. Is he better than Jesus? Who can say? Let’s just say that the Holy Spirit is going to have some serious competition for his seat on the left hand of the Father when Rummy dies.
• Donald Rumsfeld refused to hire women to work at the Pentagon. Not because he is sexist, but because his stare can impregnate.
• Donald Rumsfeld has only had sex with one woman. She has been continuously orgasming since 1973. Every nine months, she gives birth to another child that looks exactly like Donald Rumsfeld.
• Less well-known is that the first draft of the Gettysberg Address started "Four score and seven years ago, our four fathers, all of whom were Donald Rumsfeld, brought forth in this land, a new nation...”
• As Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld actually started a nuclear war. He then flew around the world backward in order to reverse time, save his girlfriend and prevent part of the nuclear holocaust.
• Donald Rumsfeld threw a bullet so fast that it traveled back in time. As a result, historians credit him with firing the shot heard around the world and killing Arch Duke Ferdinand. Eventually, that bullet traveled all the way through the timestream, until Donald Rumsfeld caught it in his teeth ten seconds before he threw it.
• Donald Rumsfeld decapitated a rival in a sword fight and screamed “There can only be one!” This is the reason why we don’t hear from John Ashcroft anymore.
• Donald Rumsfeld was originally asked to play James Bond, however producers had to cast Sean Connery because Rummy’s Bond was far too raw and sexual for film.
• A new study revealed that Princess Diana wasn't murdered; she committed suicide after Donald Rumsfeld said he would no longer go steady with her.
• Hurricane Katrina? That was Rummy yawning.
• Little is known about Donald Rumsfeld during the 1960s. This is because during this time he was known as Martin Luther King, Jr.
• Donald Rumsfeld fathered the Washington National Zoo’s new baby panda.
• While Donald Rumsfeld maintains his boyish good looks, his portrait in the Pentagon ages slowly.
• Once Donald Rumsfeld’s sweat fell on George Bush. Three years later, the young Bush was arrested for DWI. He'd never touched a bottle in his life.
• Binion’s Horseshoe Casino once banned Donald Rumsfeld from their high-low poker tables because he because he kept winning the high and low pots.
• Rumor has it that, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, Donald Rumsfeld is Rep. Stephanie Herseth.
  
• Historians point out that 15 signatures on the Declaration of Independence are in Donald Rumsfeld’s handwriting
• Despite his visible public persona, no one has actually seen Donald Rumsfeld, only the human image he projects. The real Donald Rumsfeld is far too vast and beautiful for the human eye to comprehend.

Thanks to Tom Foss for some of the funnier ones. Apologies to Chuck Norris.

Christmas Reflections on the Blessed Madonna

I wish that, this Christmas, all the virtuecrats and moralists who condem the desperate teen mothers who need our sympathy the most would take this special time of the year to remember another young woman from another time who found herself unmarried and pregnant with a long road ahead of her and no place to sleep. Yes, there were those who showed her hostility, but she was vindicated when she held her head up high and said "Papa, don't preach, I'm in trouble deep. Papa, don't preach, 'cause I've made up my mind, I'm keeping my baby."

Madonna - Papa Don't Preach

Quick! Prove You're Not A Terrorist!

Couldn't do it could you? Well maybe Glenn Beck can.
I have profound ideological differences with Glenn Beck. Most Democrats probably do. So call it a curious choice for Representative-Elect Keith Ellison (who happens to be the first Muslim elected to Congress) to be a guest on a show not devoted to news, but simply to Beck’s extreme agenda and admittedly uninformed opinions. Keep in mind that Beck, like many in our conservative media, are still grasping for straws after Tuesday’s election left them reeling. So it’s of little surprise when something like this happens:
On November 14, Beck asked Ellison if he could “have five minutes here where we're just politically incorrect and I play the cards up on the table.” After Ellison agreed, Beck said: “I have been nervous about this interview with you, because what I feel like saying is, ‘Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies.’”
I’m going to cast aside all racial aspects of Beck’s comments. Let someone else handle the blatant racism behind his words; it’s not unique, it’s the sad status quo for today’s radical Republican Party.
Beck throws the buzzword “politically incorrect” in himself, because for some conservatives saying grossly racists, sexist and otherwise inappropriate things is cool, because to not be a racist, sexist or otherwise horrible person is apparently censuring yourself, and is thus un-American. (But not being allowed to talk about sex, or saying words like ‘fuck’ and ‘God damn’ on TV are appropriate forms of censorship, of course.)
But, as I said, I’m casting aside all elements of racism, because I am less offended by the fact that Beck is being politically incorrect as I am by the fact that he is being incorrect politically.
First, I refuse to believe that we are at war with the Islamic faith. Maybe Beck considers it blasphemous political correctness for me to assume that, in spirit, Islam is – like Christianity – a peaceful, almost pacifist religion. Yet, again, like Christianity, there is a minority group of people who do very, very bad things with misapplications that religion, who are the enemies of free and pluralistic society. Perhaps “nuance” is just another of those politically correct, fairy-left buzzwords.
But my primary grievance is this: In a nation where we are innocent until proven guilty, why should anyone have to prove that they are not working with our enemies? Hundreds of years ago, people we would come to admire lived under a system where people were regularly assumed guilty until they could prove otherwise. They made a conscience decision that, in their country, this would not be the case, and the burden of proof would be on the accuser, not the accused. That’s something I would never give up, and could never ask anyone else to give up.
Being a racist may give Glenn Beck credibility with his conservative buddies (GOP Cred) and it’s a sad truth he’s more noteworthy because he says those things then he would be if he didn’t. I'll forgoe the buzzword, racism isn't being politically incorrect, it's being racist. When you slap a buzzword on it, it lightens the dark bigotry of the words. You're right, Mr. Beck you were being politically incorrect; not because what you said was racist, but because your understanding of this nation and what it stands for is so misguided.

A Joke Approximatly Three People Will Get

Since the media is determined to make the majority leader election into a civil war in the Democratic Party, I figured we'd better start declaring our allegiances. This blog is officially pro-Steny.

Oh, and for you Murtha losers, here's one for you too.
And if you would like to understand just how stupid this joke is, I refer you here.

Wannabe Terrorist Drives Us To Wedge City

One day after it recognized the anniversary of Sept. 11, the city of Davenport, Iowa felt terrorism hit home. David Robert McMenemy, 45, of Sterling Heights, Mich. crashed his car into the Edgerton Women’s Clinic where, once inside, he tried to start a fire. Upon his arrest, McMenemy told officials that he targeted Edgerton after looking online and in the phone book for an abortion clinic to attack. But here’s the catch: Edgerton isn’t an abortion clinic. They do not perform abortions. They do not refer patients to abortion providers. But the fact that the number of abortions performed in the last year at Edgerton is comparable to the number of abortions performed at the nearby McDonalds didn’t make much difference in McMenemy’s mind; he saw women’s health, and he instantly thought abortion. God help us if these people were competent.
America’s Republicans expect us to believe that al-Qaida operatives gather in their caves every evening to glean comfort from cable news commentator Keith Olberman criticizing Donald Rumsfeld and that somehow Iraqi insurgents receive word of weekly anti-war demonstrations in Moline, Ill. and suddenly feel a renewed resolve to fight. While little credit can be given to such spurious claims, isn’t it conceivable, if not downright likely, that religious right fanatics like David McMenemy do find comfort, if not downright motivation in the words of men like Joe Schidler, Rick Santorum, Sam Brownback or any of the endless stream of commentators, policymakers and activists to daily work to undermine the right to privacy, vilify and dehumanize doctors and patients and convince men and women that the end of saving fetal “life” justifies whatever means. Yet, the right remains suspiciously silent when it comes to this brand of domestic terrorism, even in a year when they attempt to convince Americans that they are serious about fighting dangerous extremists.
So lest you believe that this campaign season is devoid of wedge issues, I propose the following: The health-care system being possibly the most critical element of any emergency response plan and also one of our country’s the most vulnerable targets, our government must take serious action in protecting hospitals and doctor’s offices. Congress should provide money for all hospitals, clinics and offices of medical providers to meet higher federal security standards. And those who target these facilities should be prosecuted under federal terrorist laws. That turns the attempted arson charge that McMenemy’s extremist heirs will face into a minimum life sentence to federal prison.
It’s a good bill, because our health-care infrastructure is truly essential if we’re going to save lives in an emergency, like a terrorist attack. But the beauty of this bill is in the debate. Republicans cannot afford a bill that will upset the religious anti-abortion movement, many of whom feel that destroying an abortion clinic is not terrorism, some of whom celebrate it. But it’s framed as a terrorism issue, where Republicans cannot afford to appear weak. (You do believe in fighting terrorism, don’t you, Sen. Santorum?)
They could fight to exempt abortion clinics, but how that also achieves the goal, by bringing the religious nuts out of the woodwork and placing them on stage with the Republicans for all to see. (You don’t support murderous religious extremists, do you, Sen. Coburn?)
Terrorism is terrorism, and fighting it means fighting those who use fear as a tool to replace freedom with authoritarianism. Terrorism knows no skin color or religion, and who is and who isn’t a terrorist is not dependent on who they vote for. It’s time Republicans stop playing all sides against the American people. You do think what David McMenemy did was wrong, don’t you, Mr. President?

What He Said...

I'm with Olberman.